Guest Post: Which way, Western woman?
Balancing ambition with tradition in the #girlboss era.
At Hearth Matters, we’re inspired and driven by the conversations we have with women in our community who are facing the issues we’re thinking about. Erica Avey, our contributing author this week, is one such woman. At 32, Erica is thinking about motherhood, but like many others she’s wrestling with who she’ll be on the other side. Women have so many choices today, but ironically, choosing to be a mother has never been more fraught with confusion and anxiety.
Erica has graciously agreed to share her thoughts on the subject in her essay below.
Erica is a writer and editor for @spectrapoets. You can follow her on X @ericaavey.
The gift of life comes with its complications, as always. Being a woman of reproductive age these days throws a few more critical variables into the mix. Take the pill? Have kids? Prioritize career? Our choices, while seemingly expansive post-sexual revolution, also feel increasingly conflicted. And it turns out, regardless of our best efforts, we can’t have it all.
More and more of my peers (32F) are pushing off pregnancy or opting out altogether. Many of them are seeking better circumstances or the ‘right’ time. Under the umbrella of their rationale: finances, existential/environmental/cultural malaise, or simply lack of a partner. Most of these women are some of the most well-off in the world, living in the San Francisco Bay Area (Rome saw similar trends pre-fall: the birth rate dropped among the affluent, despite resources). Some realize their true desire to start a family too late. 50% of women without a child by the age of 30 will never have one.
Inquisitive minds are beginning to question the trade-offs associated with the sexual revolution.
Since the pill, women have seen immense progress in the workplace and academia. But we’ve also seen degradations of social connections—especially the family. Mary Harrington notes that people’s circles are smaller than ever (and these numbers began to drop pre-internet). Loneliness prevails. And many reach adulthood without ever holding a baby. Let alone knowing how to care for one, even for a few hours.
It seems that adolescence, and its solipsistic priorities, is creeping further into adulthood as well. Central life-changing and meaning-making responsibilities such as choosing a mate and raising children are on the back burner for many women in their 20s and 30s, but what else are they putting off?
People are prolonging what used to be, and for millennia, relatively beyond us and our control.
Various waves of feminism fought for various freedoms, landing us here: somewhere strangely abstract and deracinated (you’ll find modern feminists denying biological differences, redefining what it means to be a woman, or ‘womxn’ as they spell it, yet never ‘mxn’). But let’s avoid postmodern distractions, and root in what’s truly happening on the ground and in our bodies, and how to best progress. The desire is not to ‘go back,’ but to find a balance.
I’m seeking an alternative route somewhere between #girlboss extraordinaire and #tradwife mother. Neither path seems to be truly sustainable. Many of my girlfriends find themselves in a similar pickle, wishing for a different daily routine or another way to get by.
On one end of the spectrum, women mimic same-everyday-energy masculinity to lean in and level up—often leading to burnout and leaving less room for wonder, creativity, collaboration, rest, and homemaking.
On the other, the trad wife deal feels more like an idealistic Instagram aesthetic (no knock to cottage core) than a sustainable reality for most. The truth is many of those homesteading influencers are dependent solely on their partner financially, leaving little room for their own external endeavors and less freedom to leave, if they need (rates of domestic violence still loom). Plus, a single-income household feels unrealistic for many Americans, depending on location.
Many people today are missing the village and trying to recreate it, whether consciously or unconsciously. The fact of the matter is that many stretch themselves too thin forging the life they want to live: finding meaningful and sustainable work, creating a home, and doing it with loved ones.
So what’s missing? Support systems and resources, I suppose. To be able to raise kids within a supportive web, maintain a household, while also bringing in some cash and pursuing outside intellectual/creative paths. If we can’t have it all, then which way?
Some ideas: part-time work, home-based businesses, restructuring 9-5 expectations, better options for child care, embracing collaboration>competition between women in the working world (after living in Germany for three years, my American conditioning unraveled a bit, exposing the differences especially in female work dynamics), allowing for biological differences/needs, giving a little grace, while still striving, and enjoying stimulation/magic from anywhere it finds us.
I don’t have a clear answer, so I’m taking things one day at a time and remembering the words of my mother: “You rise to the occasion.” Author Louise Perry has said time and time again, “Listen to your grandmother.” And I think she’s addressing a very real connection lost to both our elders (the past) and an ability to trust the mystery (the future).
Sorting through the noise, I find myself looking to incredible women who are reframing these questions and creating alternative paths. That’s why the work of Hearth Matters resonates, especially today—Kathryn Lukas-Damer and Erin Szuma are working to rebuild our frayed village, starting in the home. I’ll be following along, participating in the conversation, and invite you to as well.
Would you like to contribute to the conversation? We’d love to hear from you!
We’re also featuring writers who are questioning the status quo of current feminist narratives and/or who are thinking about solutions that improve the economic and social status of those who provide care in our homes. Please reach out to us via chat or email at hearthmatters@gmail.com. Thank you!